I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize