I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
