I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
