i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
