do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
