Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
