This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
