She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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