My sheets look like a crime scene.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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