wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
