Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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