did you get engaged???
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize