never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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