I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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