I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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