When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
