Me. At least after what I've been through.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
