we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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