a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize