Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
