Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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