Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My liver just broke up with me...
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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