last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize