You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
