the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
