So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
