Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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