Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
