I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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