Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
