I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
