I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
