What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
