theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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