if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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