There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
