imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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