it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I need a beard to bite.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
