the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
