How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
