Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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