I haven't been this sober since birth.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
