her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pants are for mortals
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
