dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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