I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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