just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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