I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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