You can't motorboat a personality
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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