the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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