i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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