OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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