I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
