i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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