Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
