i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You ruined the universe
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
