the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
