Someone shit on the floor
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
