I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
