I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize