i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I need to sanitize my soul.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
