If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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