singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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