Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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