Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
