i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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