The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So vagazzling was a success
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
