The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
