What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
worst night to have a conscience
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
