There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
