i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
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