I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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